You know that feeling you get…
March 17, 2008 by piereth
… when you have a fruit gum in your mouth and your gums ache and itch because you want to chew it so badly?
I wandered round the town yesterday, looking at tiny baby clothes and layettes, and miraculously, all my books about babies and baby names have jumped out of storage and back into the ‘current reading’ basket beside my bed.
And I’m not the only one. My friend L is in the same boat; and yesterday friend S cornered me in the kitchen to book a ‘girls gossip morning’ cause she’s got the same thing on her brain too. What are we all like?
It’s an amusing leap from the rabid anti-children stance I was happy to adopt in my early 20’s. I can’t pretend I don’t find my lack of consistency irritating and illogical, because I do. It gets me that I could be so sure about something and yet so, apparently, wrong! about a whole issue as important as this.
However, to all the smug f****rs who will, without doubt, smile and say ‘I told you so!’, well sorry pals, cause you didn’t.
Who could tell you how you’d be likely to feel? It’s pretty horrible actually. A longing and a yearning and an unfulfilled feeling; as though the best part of you was going to waste. Melodrama, sure.
I find my ability to forget or to ameliorate the ‘bad’ stuff both comforting and a little frightening; what about the sleepless nights, the paranoia, the loneliness, the constant unremitting grind! And what about Mouse?! How would he feel? What about my job? And how the hell would we pay for this? I don’t know the answers to any of these questions. This could be a bumpy, but interesting! ride!
My final thought is that I’m a pretty good mum. If I thought I was crap, and unlikely to do anything except mess up my children’s heads and lives with multifarious unnamable emotional problems, I wouldn’t even think about having another. I’d know when to leave well alone. But, I don’t feel as though I’m doing a bad job - in fact, I’m amazed by how pleased I am with myself. This is a new feeling for me, I don’t generally think I do anything well as a rule. Perhaps, just perhaps, I’ve found my forte at last!
Great stuff - feeling good about yourself is a great feeling and you deserve to feel good about yourself - you’re a great Mum. Looking forward to the next instalment! Mouse is a lucky boy and it sounds as if you are enjoying each other and having lots of fun. Love C
I know how you feel about the inconsistency. I was thirty-six (!!!) and still pretty adament about the childless life and I don’t know how to explain it but one day I just knew that I wanted to have a baby. Seriously, I just woke up one morning and that was that. Two months later I was pregnant with T.
I think it is great to listen to your own positive self talk (so often we just have a negative dialogue).
Carole - it’s great to feel great!
Mamatried- no matter how many times I try to formulate a manifesto for my life, I always end up sabotaging it. So now the manifesto is - no manifesto! If we decide to have another one, so be it. It’s a woman’s prerogative to change her mind!
You sound like a great mom! Do it! Have another baby! Of course there will be challenging times, but … there will also be wonderful times. You can do it! And we can have a cyberspace baby shower for you!
Ohhh, I want to, Jen, I really do…
Mouse came home today with the bill for the Nursery for march… £665.60. I don’t know what that is in Canadian money… wait, it’s £1 to $1.996 so that makes it £1,328.53. I’m paying out about $13,000 a year for him to be at nursery. I get a 5% discount for 2. So $2,300 odd for two babies at nursery, so I can have a job and put food on the table.
The math doesn’t look all that promising?! Perhaps that bank job might be a good plan, I’m watching Ocean’s Eleven trying to pick up tips…
Perhaps we need to start an online “Piereth Baby Fund”!
You need to do it! C’mon P! Have a baby!!! Now’s the perfect time! If you get preggers in the next say, 6 months, by the time Mouse is 3, he’ll have a new little brother or sister to love!!!
I think there just comes a time in everyone’s life where you just say, ‘Screw it!’ and DO whatever it is you think you can’t do. Very freeing, apparently!
I have three things to add:
1. You are a WONDERFUL mum
2. Mouse will love having a sibling. (Could you imagine life without C or A?)
3. Hang the expense.
Truce - too true! Now I just need a new back and ten tonnes more patience and a million quid and we’re there!
Actually, the money isn’t the main problem, to be honest. If you want something enough, you can always afford it. I just don’t want Mr P and I to wreck our marriage because we’re stressed and knackered. We’re doing ok at the moment - in fact, better than ok. Don’t want to rock the boat!!